Recently I have been feeling really, really sick. A lot of migraines, really high blood pressures, dizzy, nauseated, hot flashes, feeling faint, etc. I’ve also been anywhere from fatigued to completely exhausted and sleeping more than I’m awake many days. So far in the past three weeks I have missed more work than I’ve attended. I even had my schedule changed because I’m so unreliable right now, starting next week I’ll be working from 12pm until 10pm Monday - Thursday. Which pretty much screws up my life, but whatever. At least it will be easier to go to the doctor when I need to, which lately has been often. I went to the ER once (and nearly went two other times) and have been to random doctors three times. Woe is me.
I really just want to feel better again. I want to be able to work. It’s not like I do anything at work right now, it’s ridiculous that I have to miss so much. But I am finding it hard to drive with the dizziness and visual problems. I find it hard to stay awake during the day. It’s hard to not run to the bathroom to vomit. It’s hard to walk through the data center and not bump into things because I’m unsteady and dizzy. My balance is way off. Walking up/down the few stairs we have is scary for me; I always stumble. I do not feel like a 28 year old woman right now. In the past year, my health has steadily declined. Every month a new problem appears. And then other things reappear. I’m having panic attacks again. The migraines had let up for a while and now they’re back like crazy. My back pain has come back from the car accident years ago and I’ve been having problems with my ankle that was broken when I first came to Tampa. I’ve even started to go to a pain management clinic in hopes that it can get under control and maybe even get some things better.
Anyway, with all this crap going on, I’ve decided to treat myself a little bit. A couple weeks ago I went to Lane Bryant and went a little overboard, but in the end saved a good bit of money. I bought a whole bunch of pants (capris and pedal pants) and skirts. I think I spent like 180 on 15 bottoms. Since most everything was one sale or clearance and I had a coupon, I saved more than I spent. Digging out my receipt, it looks like I saved over $270. Holy cow, that’s a great deal. Plus they had a promotion for the “Real Woman” dollars - where for each 50 you spend you get a coupon good for $25 off a $50 purchase. So I got three of those. They expired tonight.
Sooooo, when I realized it was expiring I ran back to Lane Bryant! Tonight I picked up tops mostly, though I saw a cute pair of pedal pants that I grabbed. Oh and two pair of french terry shorts (one for me and one for Mom.) And then the pair of pants I saw on clearance (with an extra 40% off the clearance price!) They’re a cute pair of lounge/exercise pants - black cotton capris with silver stars on the hip. They were 4 bucks! You can’t even get underwear that cheap at Lane Bryant. There was one thing I purchased full price, a really cute sundress. I had the lady add the price of everything up for me because I really wanted to stay around $150 before coupons (or $75 after.) The total? $111.11 for 11 items. This was before tax, but it was still kind of freaky and, you know, how often does something like that happen? So I bought everything. I figure I can look through it all and decide what goes with my current clothes and just return the rest.
The other thing I did was stop by Lush yesterday after work. I had a horrible day at work, and had just been feeling so bad that I wanted to treat myself. I was honestly just going to get one thing, either a new bath bomb or bubble bath…just something to make the night a little better. I got a couple of free samples, too. And of course after I bought my ONE bath bomb I was convinced to buy more things. It’s horrible, I’m easily worked over by sales people. But honestly I am happy with what I got. Everything was new for me. The ballistic was Big Blue - the one that has seaweed and sea salt. Just like a day at the beach! I’m going to use it tonight. The other stuff I got were all honey-based so I smell very sweet. I got Flying Fox shower gel; I love the scent - jasmine and honey. I’m not a big fan of the shower gels there, though…they’re kind of drying. But they make an awesome bubble bath. The other thing was Soft Coeur massage bar. It’s nicknamed “The Honeymooner” because it’s a sexy massage bar. It’s heart shaped and smells like honey and chocolate. YUM. I’ve been rubbing it on my upper arms and shoulders so I can smell it and help with the peeling skin from sunburns. Because of the last two, I got a freebie of a solid perfume in the Honey I Washed The Kids scent. Which, obviously, smells like honey (and toffee.) Got a Lily Savon sample, and two face mask samples.
Even though I’ve been making less money because of missing so much work and I don’t have the personal time to cover it, I really feel like I still need to pamper myself sometimes. So the Lush was a nice treat. The clothes are a necessity because my size has changed a little, but I’ve definitely purchased more clothing than I needed. My huge closet is overflowing with clothes. I keep trying to go through them and get rid of some/put some in storage for cooler weather but being sick and in pain has held me up.
Oh, speaking of being held up by my health - my apartment has gone all to hell. Crap all over the place and I just can’t get it cleaned up. So I’ve hired on a cleaning lady. I think it’s a cost I need to take on because physically I can’t keep up. And right now I’m so far behind that I could never get this place clean. I’m horribly embarrassed by it; I just can’t handle to push through the sick. I’m not sure what to expect from the cleaning lady, or what I’m going to get, I just hope that she doesn’t judge me too much and I come home to a beautiful place. I’m willing to pay someone to do that for me.
I hate everyone and everything. Forever and ever. And ever. Hate.
So it turns out that my dad’s mom is dying. It came as a bit of a shock to all of us. She apparently has a late stage lymphoma (not sure if it’s stage III or IV, I’ve heard varying reports.) According to the oncologist, she has a separate type of cancer in her stomach. Who knows. She went into the hospital last week, but I’m not sure why. That’s when they determined she had cancer. Of course, nobody bothered to tell me.
Wednesday night she was having a lot of stomach pain, and my dad spent the night with her. He finally took her to the hospital in the morning when it became unbearable. Turns out she had an ileus (a bowel obstruction) from a tumor in her stomach. On Thursday evening, while my dad was working, one of her doctors told her she has approximately 2 weeks left to live. Granted, this wasn’t the oncologist saying it…and the doctor is admittedly a quack (she told my mom that she never needed surgery to remove the giant infected mass on her liver…whole ‘nother story though.)
Some things that suck about this:
- I can’t get a straight answer from anyone. My dad isn’t even the power of attorney anymore, so he’s not talking to the doctors directly. Who is PoA? Her sister-in-law’s daughter.
- My dad downplays everything when he talks to me. My mom exaggerates everything. Meanwhile, see above. No straight answers. I have to talk to them separately, and then try to figure out the middle ground.
- My mom is really pushing my dad’s buttons right now. I keep having to remind her that this isn’t about her, instead it’s about grandma. And my dad isn’t really thinking right now.
- Because my grandma knows she’s dying soon, she wants to see her estranged son. Who happens to be her favorite. Which has always been a slap in the face to my dad. Dad stayed home, helped with the family business, spent every weekend/holiday/birthday/kid’s birthdays with his parents. After his dad died, he was up grandma’s ass constantly. With no recognition. Anyway, my uncle is estranged from all of us. And possibly from his kids - we don’t know yet. I found my one cousin on MySpace, and sent him a message. He hasn’t read it yet. My other cousin lives in the same town as the rest of my family…nobody has talked to her yet. There’s a really good chance we won’t be able to reach him before she dies.
- Also because grandma knows how soon she’s supposed to die, it sounds like she’s kind of given up. Like, she refuses to eat now. She also refuses to walk, even though just a few days ago she was driving and shopping. She has also started to wear diapers, but she’s not incontinent.
- Finally, I’m not sure what my role in this is. I would kind of like to see her before she dies. But I’m a little short on cash right now. I can make it work to go up for a weekend, but it’ll be tough. I can’t make two trips - like to visit then for the funeral - if they are in a short period of time. I just can’t afford it. And, given my choices, I think it would be better to see her alive than to mourn her death. I kind of get the feeling that she doesn’t want to see me, though.
It’s kind of weird. I always assumed my mom would die first. She’s in way worse health - despite the whole cancer thing. Her dying is going to be a lot easier. I know she doesn’t want a funeral…is completely against it, actually. She’d rather just be cremated and everyone have a drink to celebrate her life. She doesn’t want me to come in. Nor does my dad. And I’m sure the same would go when he dies. But Grandma wants to be a part of planning her funeral because it’s really important to her.
Anyway, things are weird right now. Because I’ve been thinking about her, and also because I’m a little down, I started cooking. I actually made bread last night. Like, from homemade. With yeast and everything! The only time I’ve ever made homemade bread is with my grandma - and that was many, many years ago. I’m making it again tonight…warm carby goodness is in he oven right now! I guess I should learn how to make her crack-noodles before she dies. I would be very upset if I never had her noodles again.
On the plus side, Jurassic Park is on tv right now. I love me some dinosaurs. Totally brightened my evening. That, and the slice of brownie cake that I got from the grocery store tonight. I’m eating dessert first. Because I can.
I just got my new blackberry to act as a modem for my laptop. Hurray!
(Only partially related to the previous post.) I have been in this heightened sexual state for a while now. At least for the last month, but probably shortly after I returned to Tampa.
I can’t quite explain it. It seems that I spend most of my waking hours thinking about sex, or talking about sex, or being horny. Mostly being horny. It’s so awkward to do a walk-through of the Data Center at work when you’re overly slippery in your naughty bits.
And I masturbate so much now (hah, like I didn’t before!) that I have started to kill my only vibrator. Boo. I think I…uh…clench too tightly sometimes. Which messed up the motor for rotating pearls and stuff. The nuzzly little panther still works. That’s the important part.
Well then. My pussy. What else do you not need to know?
In slightly unrelated news, I have a huge crush on the entire crew of Firefly. Even Shepherd Book. This has everything to do with me watching Serenity for the bajillionth time right now. Man, I can even imagine Zoe tying me up. Yum.
Either I need way more sex or way less sex.
So I’ve been sick for a few days now. Starting to feel better today. Which is good. Because I got the BEST surprise a couple hours ago.
Yeah. Sex. Sex is totally the best surprise. Even better is answering the door naked, because you don’t think the email saying “I’m coming over” is for real. Then getting fucked at the doorway.
Surprise sex rules!
I sort of got invited to Chicago for sex. With HotGuy that I’ve been sleeping with in Tampa. He’s out of town for work and in Chicago for a few days this week and a few days next week. And in Connecticut over the weekend. Of course, I don’t have enough time off to take a few days and go there. I could take like, one day. Which would mean I would get into town late, we’d fuck for a few hours then I’d have to leave before he gets finished with work the next day. I’m still totally tempted.
On the plus side, I get to have Hump Day Fucking tomorrow with OtherHotGuy. Which is always fun. Sometimes being single is very nice, especially when the nekkid is plentiful. Sometimes it’s not always as nice though. I mean, the sex I’m having is fucking awesome and I don’t want to give that up, but it would be nice to have something more.
I’m not entirely sure what to do. Nothing more than sex would ever come out of OtherHotGuy because of extenuating circumstances. I’m not sure about HotGuy, though. He is specifically looking for a relationship. Which is good. But I’m not sure if he sees beyond my sweet nubile ass. Heh. And I don’t want to have one of those conversations to feel him out yet.
On a trying to get to know him in out-of-the-bedroom ways, I picked up tickets for us to see Radiohead next month. Which will be a kickass time, whatever happens.
In other boy related news, I’ve missed a couple of booty calls in the past week or so. And I’ve been “talking” to a couple other guys. Dating is hard! I’m kind of wondering if I’m feeling something for HotGuy because the sex is so great, he’s - well - hot, extremely intelligent and independent. He also has a lot of very attractive female friends, some of whom he sleeps with. I can’t exactly fault him for this because I do the same. But it does make me feel intimidated. All these pictures of him with scantily clad women, all with their big boobs and small asses. Obviously I have a more robust ass, which provides ample grabbing, smacking and fucking opportunities. It’s really stupid, too. I am happy with me. Any weight I would lose would be for health reasons (slightly elevated cholesterol) and to build…uh…stamina. But the fat girl outside is afraid she can’t compete with all the hot skinny chicks.
What to do? Get over myself? Have fun? Pick up more fuckbuddies? You decide!
Oh, my cat has decided that she prefers drinking water from a glass over drinking from her bowl. She’s as bad as my poor late rabbit, Chibi. She would only drink water from a Dr. Seuss mug (which I still have) and she preferred to have bottled water. Somehow I find the weirdest animals.
My dad is back in West Virginia. I’m not sure how long he’ll stay with my mom or what will happen…but I have my couch back. And I haven’t left my couch since he left yesterday. I actually fell asleep on it last night. And again today. Fuck this is an uncomfortable couch!
I have to say that I’ve been having some amazing sex lately. Not sure how I lucked out on it, but I’m a happy girly. Hot sex with hot guys. Yum. I need to keep that up.
Dreamhost finally figured out the problem with my site. And why it had been going down for hours every day. Finally. I realize that I let the problem go for a while because it would always resolve itself, so I’m at fault there. But it took four emails to them and one to my registrar to get the issue straightened out. Seriously. And I had three different answers before the problem was finally found. Jeez! In any case, it’s up now and the thing that caused the problem has been fixed and they upgraded hardware too. Which is always good.
My dad “borrowed” 250 dollars last night without telling me. Which really kind of fucked up my finances. I did confront him about it and he’s said he would pay me back. We’ll see how that works out. He’s apparently leaving on Tuesday. My mom has been flipping the fuck out. She’s threatened to kill herself a couple times. But that’s nothing new. Her and Jeremy aren’t getting along. She’s spent all her money and thinks that dad has been lying to her and taking her money for years. She just doesn’t get things - like the cost of living. So anyway, he’s going back. I don’t believe they’re going to be back together when he’s up there. And I’m sadly being dragged into the middle of it all. I hope it gets better once he leaves. At least I won’t have to hide away in my room when he wants to go to sleep - and listen to the tv from the living room. That drives me crazy!
I got a very unexpected phone call tonight from the guy who made me all sad last week. I’m really not sure what to make of it. I have to admit that it felt really good to hear his voice, though. But I’m confused, very confused.
I have birthday festivities tomorrow at Kimm’s house. Small gathering of good people. Ceci is supposed to go with me, so that should be fun. And Brett is going to try to make it, too. It was so awesome to hang out with him a couple weeks ago - I had forgotten how much fun we had working together. Stupid work firing good contractors. At least he’s back in FL and able to hang out sometimes. Of course I love Kimm and Joe and it’s always good to see them…and I think Nick and Sharon will be there. I just met them a few weeks ago but they seem like good people. Plus they want to hang with me as I get older. What’s not to love about that? Oh, and if anyone wants to buy me anything - I totally need THIS. Andy says he doesn’t <3 me $300 worth so somebody else has to step up. Please?